Hello loves,I think everyone reading this has been through a really deep and dark part in their lives.Well I was recently there and at the very rock bottom of it all.The good thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way to go is up,so I decided to let that part of me go and I might still be working on that but my next couple of posts are going to be about what kept pulling me down and deeper.As much as these are my own thoughts during those moments …I really hope these pieces will be someones voice who may be struggling as I was and doesn’t know how to properly put the words,emotions and feelings together.
The epitome of beauty💖
I’m tired of looking in the mirror and disliking what I see. I’m tired of seeing all my flaws and faults and thinking that is all I get to be. I’m tired of wishing for happiness knowing that all I get is that everyday wish.
Everyday I dream of perfection,I crave for perfection but that is exactly what it’s going to be,a dream and an unattainable craving. They are always saying that noone is perfect and sure that’s true but each and every day …..perfection is thrown to our faces.
Have you not seen how admirable,slender and flawless bodies these vogue models have. Or how tv ads stars have clear and bright and glimmering faces that I have nothing to compare anything to.
Despite all this,I want wake up each morning clearly knowing that I’m not perfect ,BUT,it’s still perfectly okay to be perfectly imperfect. I want to wake up and stare at myself and see all these flaws in me as little rainbows and stars glistening on my skin. Yes,that might have drained the energy out of me but I’ve finally said it. Now you might think that there is something absolutely wrong with this girl,and I don’t blame you for that. But why wouldn’t you,when all I desire is to be at the peak of perfection and the epitome of beauty.
PS:I wrote this when I was having some serious body image issues and people say that comparison is the poisoned apple,but there are those moments that you just can’t help yourself especially when it’s thrown on your face .
The 1st of August is a day to celebrate your girls,your girl squad and your all girl team.
For no reason,there has always been alot of negative energy around female relations and I think that I can agree but only to some extent.Females are their own enemies as much as the males are their own enemies and their own downfall.I was once told that a fort can only be brought down to dust from it’s very own core.
I personally have been in a position where I preferred male friends to female friends bacause of many reasons that I think most girls can relate to.But recently I got to change my perspective of it all.
This happened when I got real and genuine girlfriends only after I came into terms with the real and genuine part of me then I wasn’t hiding any of it anymore.Miraculously a certain group of people accepted that part of me that took me so long to discover and in return I accepted the real and genuine parts of them and as if it were as easy as snapping your fingers I found my girlfriends.
Today on this very day as people choose to have their own assumptions about girl relations,I can proudly say that I have true girlfriends.Girls that have my back as much as I have theirs ,girls that we share tears and joy and laughter.On those lesser occasions hold each other’s hair as we puke the hell out and drunken call our exes for no apparent reason 😂.I have a million other moments to share with you about my girls but as they are proud to have me as their girl I am proud to have them as my girls.Each and every moment spent with my real ones aren’t even worth a million dimes and I love all my 💯ride or dies💖.
I’m saving all the goofy pictures for your kids btw 💞😂😂.
Maturity is a whole another level of life.You have to keep track of your responsibilities and balance the load of expectations you get each and every day. Having to face something new almost every single day seems exciting but it’s not appealing to the child that used to be me.
Being a child was a share of joy and anger ,a share of love and hate. Whenever I wanted candy someone didn’t want me to eat it.My ass was whooped in the name of love and as much as I don’t want to admit it the love/hate was cute.
But now I’m caught between maturity and all its perks and being a kid and all its perks too.
I want to jump and be ready for the fall.
I want my heart broken as if I have a replacement to it.
I want my love taken for granted but still know that true love comes from my insides and it’s eternal.
I want to dive to the deep oceans with flowers and candy for the whales and sharks and sea monsters.
I want to stay when everyone runs.
I want to take the pain and not suffer.
I want each and everyday spent to add up in the end.
I want each and every cut on my body stitched up to place.
I want to spend my love,my joy,my happiness till I’m left without a dime of them but I’ll still be lovely,I’ll still be joyful and still be happy.
I want to take up challenges and difficult tasks just to feel alive and the adrenaline rush.
I want hurt to rip through my skin but know that I won’t bleed after all,only words bleed.
I want bad company in all the right locations.
Will I have any regrets?No.
Why? Because I would have explored to my fill.I would have dipped my feet in the deepest caves of earth and hurt till I can’t hurt anymore.
I would have satisfied the child in me and nurtured the adult in me.
I know that probably this won’t sense but I’m trying to balance the child in the adult me. Xoxoxo💖💞
Proceed with caution(😂😜just kidding) this piece is more of a whirlwind of emotions and memories in the only expressive way I know …writing 💞
If I’m being completely honest I’m not in the right state of mind as I write this but since writing is somewhat therapeutic to me ..here I am..writing away 💃.
Just a few weeks into quarantine and lockdown I was prompted to rerun glee.It being a musical series, (and on my defense this is totally relatable with glee fans 😜)I would finish an episode or even pause one for me to rush over to YouTube and look up the original version of the song.When I saw comments like’glee referred me here’ or ‘ who is on the rerun of glee during this lockdown’ I thought to myself “wow glee really has a worldwide fan club”.
Some weeks later and to be precise a few days ago Naya Rivera who acted as Santana Lopez in glee went missing and was presumed dead. 6 days later her body was found and as a cultic like lover of glee my cousin and I embarked on another rerun of the series to savour the memories of Naya as Santana.Wierd enough the habit of rushing over to YouTube still irked but this time it was all different.I realised that glee lovers weren’t your ordinary series lovers,glee fans were like family and the death of another one of the shook the family to it’s core.
Glee lovers were like students and the series itself together with the cast were mentors and teacher and we’re people we could emulate.Naya’s death brought to light that she was the greatest of them all and her being my favourite one I couldn’t help but agree .Santana Lopez was the ‘it’ girl.
Santana was my definition of the ‘i know I’m crazy and ready to slit your throat if you step on my way’ kind of girl.Santana inspired me to go after what I wanted and I shouldn’t let anyone try and stop me.Santana taught me that I am my first priority and I don’t do good by me,noone will.Santana also showed me that love and happiness are my greatest achievements .
I mean…these are basic lessons you can learn from day to day life and I’ve actually learnt them every day but recent happenings have me screaming to myself on the mirror that I have to make it happen if not I’ll have myself to blame.To everyone else also you have to make it happen for your own happiness and your own good and for your own profitability too.
PS. I wrote this mainly for my personal healing but also for some of my cousins and friends who can relate with what I’m feeling after recent occurrences .I also think this may be my most private blog post since it’s more personal 💞.
This is how I choose to remember and honour her. This is for you Naya …hope you have Instagram in heaven cause I’m sure sending this to your dm😎😂. Rest easy Naya I love you 💞💖🥰.
“I’m another year older,I won’t cry about you anymore…..”yeah …yeah..you know the song(Anne Marie -Birthday).Isn’t it funny how we differently interpret song lyrics differently.To some it’s a feel good song line,to others it’s a bashing some but I feel like to me its that one line in a whole song that strengthens you to heal and move on.My 18th year of being alive has been yet my most anxious and exciting year yet,and because of that I’m about to share the greatest life lessons I’ve learnt all year long.
1.Life has a way of replacing things and people
I feel like this has been my greatest lesson this whole year.Its funny how life takes a turn ….you end up making friends with unexpected people,who you never thought you would,and you end up loosing people you never thought you would loose.The moment I came to terms that life always replaces I understood that there is always an external force that is always working for your good.
2.A better version of you is always yet to come….always.
A quitter and a fighter differ from one perspective only….that the better and bigger result mostly comes last and it only calls for patience and persistence ✌️and the anticipation for it always counts.
3.A woman’s character purse needs faith,hope and courage.
I feel like this is simple but the most complex things ever ;courage to face anything,faith that even the impossible may not be possible but can be done and hope to enable feel and expectation of the desire of something to happen.
4.Enjoy your independence
You don’t have to lift weights to feel your strength and you don’t have to have someone to gift you to feel your worth. I guess I’ll just leave it at that 😁😁.
5.Happiness over everything 🥰🥰
As long as it makes you happy,keep it.If she makes you happy,keep her.If he makes you happy,keep him.Happiness is like the sun;yellow and full of cheer…just saying😂.
6.Put value over everything that you are and everything you have.
Diamonds,gold,dollar bills cannot compare to everything that make you you.But it’s up to you to put value and may I add great value on you and what is yours.
PS:(1) I never thought this blog would be this long😁
PS:(2)everyone who filled my day with cheer,joy,amazement,laughter I love you all💖💖and I mean everyone 💖💖.
Those of you who really know me know that i love books and I can’t love books without loving reading so obviously I love reading(but I’m not a 100% bookie if you know what I mean😜).
So of late (actually during this week of quarantining) I wanted to try something different……wait for it….read SELF-HELP BOOKS🙈.It wasnt like a self-induced thing…..it was a challenge by who I consider a ‘bookie mentor’ hi wanjiru🥰😍♥️.So I rushed to the internet to look up ‘self-help book reads of 2020’.Honestly nothing intrested me and my fingers itched to check out the fiction reads till I saw this👇
The title literally got my eyes longer for like a minute and my subconscious went crazy “b🌷tch you really have to stop giving a f🌷ck” and my conscious was like like “ok trying won’t be sooo bad”so I went searching for the ebook.
I continued scrolling then this came two titles came up 👇
I almost cursed at the universe”surely Mr or Mrs universe why are you doing this “we always run away from the truth and that was me running away from the reality the titles of these books hit me with 😭😭.I decided to give them a try and added them to my ebook cart🎊🎉.
Before all this I was a fiction fanatic….why…….because fiction made me forget the lack and the loss of joy,love,cheer,colour……it helped me create and live in a world that gave me everything I yearned for.With fiction I could just shut off the coldness of the world and fill it with sunshine and the sun’s yellow and flowers everywhere and it would all be splendid🎊🎊🎊🎊
But then these self-help books come and scream at my face”Vickie ….girl stop daydreaming you gotta work on your mess ,work on your life…..get up and stop creating and destroying a fake life cause Everytime you close the last page of a fiction it all comes back to slap you hader than before that nothing has changed and whatever it is that you had with the book is and it will always be short-lived so work on it girl”
The truth in them hurt more than the joy and cheer in fiction.But then who im I ‘kwani Mimi ni nani’ I decided to fix my messy life (thank you self-help books 🙄duh🙄)but I will still enjoy my fictional love,fictional joy,fictional cheer and fictional everything😁😁
An eigteen year old girl a couple of years back,maybe six years back ,had a dream.A dream that would shake the world off its feet😁.A dream that would bring people together using the one and only weapon…………fashion 😍.
In her dream she dreamt that as fabric is joined together she Could bring people together.Bring communities together ,tribes together,individuals and all together for one cause to appreciate and value style fashion and beauty😍.
As the 18 year old girl now looks back at her dreams all she can see is the fantasy and the blurry image of her old dreams and she sits shyly at a corner and asks if it’s too late for her to go back and collect her old dreams and pick the pieces and make them one and make them a reality.All she has is herself and the world to take over and she sends a warning for you to watch this space😘😜