Seventh Emerald

My whole life I’ve been surrounded by people who believe in success,who believe in opportunities,failure and all that but a couple of weeks ago, for the first time I met someone who strongly believes in love.

It got me thinking why don’t many people believe in this simple thing and I couldn’t find anymore reasons past heartbreaks,betrayal,insecurities and emotional vulnerability.So I had a conversation with Daisy(a strong believer of love) and honestly I can’t find the right way to quote her words in writing but I was so moved that I immediately wanted to be in love.

Daisy believes that love is the chord that sustains all humanity and love is the bearer of all good and all bad.She believes that love triumphs everything and in acknowledging and appreciating love is ones greatest accomplishment. According to her, love knows no boundaries and no limits.Love has no age nor physical condition and it definetly needs no requirements for qualification.

Love is two way in two amazing ways;It can be inborn and externally shared and it can also be externally borne but it’s recipients fruits will be budding on the inside and love is the cheapest thing to give,but the most valuable and priceless thing you’ll own. I think that was my take home from a long conversation from a particular cold and chilly Sunday morning.

Before all that, anyone who mentioned the name daisy to me an instant thought of the flower daisy sprung up or just another regular girl called daisy.But after that realisation I will also relate daisy to love and greater love.At this moment I’m not sure if daisy is the flower of love but whoever is getting me flowers next time please get me some daises 😜

Love,Vickie 💞

Love is such a beautiful thing,but who is a 19 year old to say this?I mean,so young,fresh and green at this.But for the first time I came to understand the small and important basics of it through my cousin’s recent union.

Karen,my first cousin, and I have always been close and it looked kind of surreal to me when she said she is ready to settle with the love of her life.Initially it was a pinch of jealousy since she was like the big sister I never had and anytime I craved her attention she was there no matter how much I annoyed the hell out of her and the thought of someone else squeezing in where there was already me and her two brothers did not seem as apealling as such😂.

With time I got comfortable with the idea and I actually got to learn from their story.These guys showed me that love is more than a feeling and actually the feeling part of it is the least point of concern.Love is presence,everyday presence,emotional presence and physical presence.These guys have been through lots of thick and thin but the fact that they’ve been through it all together from the beginning makes it such a beautiful thing.

These guys showed me that love is support in all forms,companionship and togetherness.But most of all, love is a journey and I’ve witnessed these guys trek and I’m in awe of how far they’ve come and how much they’ve conquered together along the way.

Feeling like I’ve known my cousin my whole life I’m very comfortable saying that she might be the most impulsive between them.She will drag Gee,the husband,into the rain with a storm all about them but he won’t let her get a cold alone,he will embrace her and kiss her despite all her hastiness.He will love her in the dark,hold her till the end of time and never break her heart.I was to add a threat at this point but I’m convinced that that won’t be necessary 😂Right??

And she will choose him over and over again,without pause and without doubt she’ll keep choosing him.Together they’ll be part of each other’s lives till the end of time.They’ll be each other’s tears and each other’s joy.Their dreams will be stirred in their conjoined hearts and will be born before their eyes.

Not throwing shade on my two lovebirds,but being someone’s first love might be great,but being their last and getting the chance to share eternity together is beyond perfect and I’m glad they found each other in the long run.

With silent tears and even drowned laughter they will show and plant their love for each other and days will pass and turn into years but I’m assured that their love will remain green like that of some 16 year old who can’t make head or tail of what it is but are already knee-deep into it’s wholeness everyday.

I love you guys 💞Mr.&Mrs.Gee💞

Love,your forever annoying and stubborn cousin,Vickie 😂💞

Resurgence series(part 4)

She promised to never leave me,

But all she did was stir my emotions up and eject them out of the volcano heart of mine

She made me feel complete,whole and content,

Now there is nothing,nothing but scratches and dents in the run down and tossed over piece of my heart

She promised me forever and I would think to myself ….forever..why not?

Currently my days are filled with anger,hate,displeasure and invalidity and not a single ray of hope for the next day

Each day dawned and a stitch mended my heart

That heart is now messed,bent,cold and dark

Dusk approached and as the dark spread over our side of the Earth my life was born all over again

Now,my life is sinking and drowning into an abyss of nothing and emptiness

It was once me and her,now it’s me or her

Once together and whole,now we are broken and severed.Shattered inside a pit of darkness and angst.

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I recently read a blog post by calm wildness on sometimes nobody owes anything and it really had me reminiscing on a friend I lost a while ago over reasons that can’t be concluded as reasonable or unreasonable.We all have different versions of what or who a friend is and what they should do but despite all that I tried my very best to not overwhelm anyone with my problems but at the end of the day I turned out to be too emotionally vulnerable and depressed for them.That really sent me spiralling down and I wrote that then when I felt all my expectations has been drowned and lost.

But in the process of recovery and recollection I got to realise that at the end of the day 99% of your emotional well-being depends on you and you have to work endlessly for that.Jackie’s blog gave me the courage to let this part go and learn to only settle debts within me and you should too💞.

Love,Vickie 💞

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PS:this is not going to be my last post in the resurgence series,but I’m taking a break to celebrate what is around me and within me ..love…Thank you to everyone who has walked with me till this far …I love you all💞

Hello loves,

Have you ever wanted to be an open canvas painting?Iconic and all but you are out there for everyone to see and try to figure out the details,inspiration and feeling behind you

The resurgence series(part3)

Why won’t someone tell me that I’m easy to read and see through

That I have a direct pathway from my eyes to the depths of my soul

Easy to uncover like words written in bold on a plain white canvas sheet

That my every emotion is embedded on the shallow pits of my eyes and everything I refuse to admit is right on these Navy irises

When I’m angry, they darken

When happy,they sparkle

When nervous they rapidly shift

When sad,they turn to dull

When excited they dance on their white veined stage

Why won’t they see that stare that is incredibly soft,angelic and affectionate with a tiny of bitterness under the curves

With an immense amount of goofiness,full of admiration and maybe a bit of nervousness

But with each look there will search for contentment and wholeness all the time

But for now these Navy irises remain warm and yellow to everyone on the outside

Full of love,valour and sunshine to everyone who see their gleam and glimmer

Love,Vickie 💞

Hello loves,

The resurgence series was meant to be all about my journey to self discovery and appreciation.I really don’t know where the piece below fits in all that but here we go.

The resurgence series(part2)

COVERED IN ……..

I smile,to hide the frown that seems to be plastered on my face

You hear me laugh because I strongly believe that my muffled cries are for my ears only

You don’t see the real me because that’s whom I fear

So I tell you, if you see my frown and listen to my muffled cries you are damn special to me

I never let anyone see what’s behind the veil

So when I give you my heart don’t crush it

When I unveil my frown for you don’t fear it and if I sink you in my tears don’t drown in them

Because that will be the thing that drive me towards the cliff and over the edge

Not once nor twice have I let these feelings stop me from being me

But with time I learnt to gain the upper and highest ground in this fight all on my own

So if I ask you to fight along me in this war,please don’t turn your back to me

Because it will be your blade of betrayal that will kill me and not the blade of my does

You see me smile because i hide my frown

You hear my laughter because noone should listen to my tears

And that’s the reality and truth of me

Now will you be the one I trust to see or will you turn away and run when you see that side of me

Love ,Vickie 💞

Hello loves,I think everyone reading this has been through a really deep and dark part in their lives.Well I was recently there and at the very rock bottom of it all.The good thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way to go is up,so I decided to let that part of me go and I might still be working on that but my next couple of posts are going to be about what kept pulling me down and deeper.As much as these are my own thoughts during those moments …I really hope these pieces will be someones voice who may be struggling as I was and doesn’t know how to properly put the words,emotions and feelings together.

RESURGENCE(part 1)

The epitome of beauty💖

I’m tired of looking in the mirror and disliking what I see. I’m tired of seeing all my flaws and faults and thinking that is all I get to be. I’m tired of wishing for happiness knowing that all I get is that everyday wish.

Everyday I dream of perfection,I crave for perfection but that is exactly what it’s going to be,a dream and an unattainable craving. They are always saying that noone is perfect and sure that’s true but each and every day …..perfection is thrown to our faces.

Have you not seen how admirable,slender and flawless bodies these vogue models have. Or how tv ads stars have clear and bright and glimmering faces that I have nothing to compare anything to.

Despite all this,I want wake up each morning clearly knowing that I’m not perfect ,BUT,it’s still perfectly okay to be perfectly imperfect. I want to wake up and stare at myself and see all these flaws in me as little rainbows and stars glistening on my skin. Yes,that might have drained the energy out of me but I’ve finally said it. Now you might think that there is something absolutely wrong with this girl,and I don’t blame you for that. But why wouldn’t you,when all I desire is to be at the peak of perfection and the epitome of beauty.

PS:I wrote this when I was having some serious body image issues and people say that comparison is the poisoned apple,but there are those moments that you just can’t help yourself especially when it’s thrown on your face .

Love ,Vickie 💞

The 1st of August is a day to celebrate your girls,your girl squad and your all girl team.

For no reason,there has always been alot of negative energy around female relations and I think that I can agree but only to some extent.Females are their own enemies as much as the males are their own enemies and their own downfall.I was once told that a fort can only be brought down to dust from it’s very own core.

I personally have been in a position where I preferred male friends to female friends bacause of many reasons that I think most girls can relate to.But recently I got to change my perspective of it all.

This happened when I got real and genuine girlfriends only after I came into terms with the real and genuine part of me then I wasn’t hiding any of it anymore.Miraculously a certain group of people accepted that part of me that took me so long to discover and in return I accepted the real and genuine parts of them and as if it were as easy as snapping your fingers I found my girlfriends.

Today on this very day as people choose to have their own assumptions about girl relations,I can proudly say that I have true girlfriends.Girls that have my back as much as I have theirs ,girls that we share tears and joy and laughter.On those lesser occasions hold each other’s hair as we puke the hell out and drunken call our exes for no apparent reason 😂.I have a million other moments to share with you about my girls but as they are proud to have me as their girl I am proud to have them as my girls.Each and every moment spent with my real ones aren’t even worth a million dimes and I love all my 💯ride or dies💖.

I’m saving all the goofy pictures for your kids btw 💞😂😂.

Love ,Vickie 💞

Maturity is a whole another level of life.You have to keep track of your responsibilities and balance the load of expectations you get each and every day. Having to face something new almost every single day seems exciting but it’s not appealing to the child that used to be me.

Being a child was a share of joy and anger ,a share of love and hate. Whenever I wanted candy someone didn’t want me to eat it.My ass was whooped in the name of love and as much as I don’t want to admit it the love/hate was cute.

But now I’m caught between maturity and all its perks and being a kid and all its perks too.

I want to jump and be ready for the fall.

I want my heart broken as if I have a replacement to it.

I want my love taken for granted but still know that true love comes from my insides and it’s eternal.

I want to dive to the deep oceans with flowers and candy for the whales and sharks and sea monsters.

I want to stay when everyone runs.

I want to take the pain and not suffer.

I want each and everyday spent to add up in the end.

I want each and every cut on my body stitched up to place.

I want to spend my love,my joy,my happiness till I’m left without a dime of them but I’ll still be lovely,I’ll still be joyful and still be happy.

I want to take up challenges and difficult tasks just to feel alive and the adrenaline rush.

I want hurt to rip through my skin but know that I won’t bleed after all,only words bleed.

I want bad company in all the right locations.

Will I have any regrets?No.

Why? Because I would have explored to my fill.I would have dipped my feet in the deepest caves of earth and hurt till I can’t hurt anymore.

I would have satisfied the child in me and nurtured the adult in me.

*Love,Vickie💖*

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I know that probably this won’t sense but I’m trying to balance the child in the adult me. Xoxoxo💖💞

Proceed with caution(😂😜just kidding) this piece is more of a whirlwind of emotions and memories in the only expressive way I know …writing 💞

If I’m being completely honest I’m not in the right state of mind as I write this but since writing is somewhat therapeutic to me ..here I am..writing away 💃.

Just a few weeks into quarantine and lockdown I was prompted to rerun glee.It being a musical series, (and on my defense this is totally relatable with glee fans 😜)I would finish an episode or even pause one for me to rush over to YouTube and look up the original version of the song.When I saw comments like’glee referred me here’ or ‘ who is on the rerun of glee during this lockdown’ I thought to myself “wow glee really has a worldwide fan club”.

Some weeks later and to be precise a few days ago Naya Rivera who acted as Santana Lopez in glee went missing and was presumed dead. 6 days later her body was found and as a cultic like lover of glee my cousin and I embarked on another rerun of the series to savour the memories of Naya as Santana.Wierd enough the habit of rushing over to YouTube still irked but this time it was all different.I realised that glee lovers weren’t your ordinary series lovers,glee fans were like family and the death of another one of the shook the family to it’s core.

Glee lovers were like students and the series itself together with the cast were mentors and teacher and we’re people we could emulate.Naya’s death brought to light that she was the greatest of them all and her being my favourite one I couldn’t help but agree .Santana Lopez was the ‘it’ girl.

Santana was my definition of the ‘i know I’m crazy and ready to slit your throat if you step on my way’ kind of girl.Santana inspired me to go after what I wanted and I shouldn’t let anyone try and stop me.Santana taught me that I am my first priority and I don’t do good by me,noone will.Santana also showed me that love and happiness are my greatest achievements .

I mean…these are basic lessons you can learn from day to day life and I’ve actually learnt them every day but recent happenings have me screaming to myself on the mirror that I have to make it happen if not I’ll have myself to blame.To everyone else also you have to make it happen for your own happiness and your own good and for your own profitability too.

This is how I choose to remember and honour her. This is for you Naya …hope you have Instagram in heaven cause I’m sure sending this to your dm😎😂. Rest easy Naya I love you 💞💖🥰.

“I’m another year older,I won’t cry about you anymore…..”yeah …yeah..you know the song(Anne Marie -Birthday).Isn’t it funny how we differently interpret song lyrics differently.To some it’s a feel good song line,to others it’s a bashing some but I feel like to me its that one line in a whole song that strengthens you to heal and move on.My 18th year of being alive has been yet my most anxious and exciting year yet,and because of that I’m about to share the greatest life lessons I’ve learnt all year long.

1.Life has a way of replacing things and people

I feel like this has been my greatest lesson this whole year.Its funny how life takes a turn ….you end up making friends with unexpected people,who you never thought you would,and you end up loosing people you never thought you would loose.The moment I came to terms that life always replaces I understood that there is always an external force that is always working for your good.

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2.A better version of you is always yet to come….always.

A quitter and a fighter differ from one perspective only….that the better and bigger result mostly comes last and it only calls for patience and persistence ✌️and the anticipation for it always counts.

3.A woman’s character purse needs faith,hope and courage.

I feel like this is simple but the most complex things ever ;courage to face anything,faith that even the impossible may not be possible but can be done and hope to enable feel and expectation of the desire of something to happen.

4.Enjoy your independence

You don’t have to lift weights to feel your strength and you don’t have to have someone to gift you to feel your worth. I guess I’ll just leave it at that 😁😁.

5.Happiness over everything 🥰🥰

As long as it makes you happy,keep it.If she makes you happy,keep her.If he makes you happy,keep him.Happiness is like the sun;yellow and full of cheer…just saying😂.

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6.Put value over everything that you are and everything you have.

Diamonds,gold,dollar bills cannot compare to everything that make you you.But it’s up to you to put value and may I add great value on you and what is yours.

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PS:(1) I never thought this blog would be this long😁

PS:(2)everyone who filled my day with cheer,joy,amazement,laughter I love you all💖💖and I mean everyone 💖💖.

To another great year(I feel it)😁. Love.